Spontaneous sex is a common desire. The idea of getting intimate with your partner the minute the mood hits you can feel like you are both in sync and passionate. However the pressures of daily life and the complexity of libidos makes the reality of spontaneous sex more challenging. Maybe you’re being proactive, but your partner never seems to be in the mood. Maybe sex just feels like a chore you pencil in between appointments and you want to spice things up. Whatever your reason Brianna Rader, a sexual health expert and the founder of the Juicebox Sex & Relationship App, has some advice for having more spontaneous sex, and it starts with communication.
1. Understand Your Partner’s Needs
Are you always the one proposing sex, and always the one getting turned down? Outside of problems in your relationship, a simple communication block may be getting in the way. An important aspect to spontaneous sex is knowing your partner’s desires and preferences so when you do ask, they are more likely to say yes. For example, if every morning you float the idea and are rejected, it could just be that your partner isn’t sexually available in the mornings. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to have sex, it just means you’re asking at the wrong time. There’s not one right time or place to ask, so it’s important to have a conversation about it with them.
On the other hand, if you find yourself always rejecting your partner, let them know why. As Brianna explains: “Talking to your partner about what you need to reach your excited state removes the guess-work. It also helps ensure sex is a pleasurable experience for both parties. If you struggle to talk to your partner during sex, it can help to have a more in-depth conversation about preferences outside of the bedroom.”
2. Get Flirty
Flirting can be a powerful too. This can look different in different relationships. Anything from a flirty text to having dinner ready for them when they get home can put them in a friendly mood, and can open them up to spontaneous sex. “Flirting is a great way to feel closer. Find ways to be playful even when you are doing routine tasks. You could put on music while you make dinner and find moments to dance together.”
Learning about the five love languages can help you understand your partner’s needs and sync up your partner’s libidos. From physical touch, to emotional support, knowing what will make your partner feel safe, loved, and happy is important to get them in the mood. For more information on why you may not be having sex, check out our blog on fixing sexless relationships.
3. Make Spontaneous Sex Part of Your Schedule
As contradictory it sounds, spontaneous sex takes a lot of planning. With busy schedules it’s still hard to find time in between obligations for a romp together. If setting a time and date for sex doesn’t sound appealing to you, but you aren’t able to sneak it in between putting the kids to sleep and doing the dishes, try finding a middle ground. You don’t have to mark a calendar for the exact time and date, but you can set aside a day or evening to be alone together. You don’t know exactly what will happen during this time, but by making time for you and your partner to be spontaneous, you can at least guarantee you’ll have the opportunity to be alone together if you’re inclined.
If you feel like you’re always the one proposing sex, and you’d like your partner to ask you more often try making a game of it. For half the week only your partner can initiate, and the other half of the week is your turn. You can also set a limit for how many times you have to proposition in your time slot. This way, there’s still the tension of when it’ll happen, while making it more likely that it will happen. Again, this is a matter of communicating with your partner about how much you both want to have sex. Make sure there isn’t an underlying cause of their hesitancy.
4. Change Your Definition of Sex
There’s a lot of pressure, especially in heterosexual relationships, that sex means penetrative penis in vagina sex, but this is not necessarily true, and opening up your definition of sex can lead to more activity and more willingness to try spontaneous sex. Fingering, oral or even sex toy play can be less cumbersome than intercourse, making spontaneous sex less time consuming.
It’s important to think about your partner’s pleasure as well. If your partner doesn’t orgasm every time, spontaneous sex may not feel like it’s worth it. To make sex more appealing, make sure everyone has their needs met. Have a conversation with your partner to make sure you understand each other’s likes and dislikes. Brianna also notes that attitude plays a part in this. “Sometimes people approach sex with too many expectations and pressure. Sex can be silly, goofy, and fun!” Try incorporating sex games as well, to add variety and explore your desires.
It may sound simple enough. You’ll know what your partner wants if you communicate. But relationships are very rarely that easy, and learning to communicate well can take a lot of work. There can be a lot of factors at play.
For more in-depth relationship advice try the Juicebox App to connect with a sexual health expert to get private and professional advice on anything from dating advice to tips on arousal, sex, and any other romantic or sexual issues you want to know more about. For having more spontaneous sex, you have to replace planning with understanding. Know your partner and what they want. Be willing to talk about your needs and respect boundaries. It may not be easy, but for a fun, healthy, and fulfilling relationship, it’s worth it.